The Lord works in mysterious ways. It was Gary Cooper’s last line at the end of “Sgt. York” when he returned home from WWI and found the government had built him a brand new farmhouse. The Lord was rewarding him for ignoring “Thou Shalt Not Kill” and picking off 25 Germans with an American Enfield rifle. Mysterious for sure.
You may be wondering why the Lord is good to your neighbour considering all the sins you’ve observed him committing through your binoculars. How do you unravel the Lord’s mysterious ways without professional help? Where do you find Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby in the Yellow Pages? So many questions.
The answer, friends, to God’s mysterious behavior is so alarming that you’d better make sure you’re in a calm, safe place before reading any further. Are you safe. OK, good. God isn’t really as smart as everyone makes Him out to be. Don’t believe it? Why else would he make genitals so vulnerable and logs accross rivers so slippery?
Essentially, God is like your cat. He quietly prowls around and pounces when he finds prey. It’s the luck of the draw who he gets and he loves to play with his catch. The more you struggle, the more fun Whiskers and God have. So take my advice — if God has you under his paw, play dead and scramble under the sofa when he gets bored and starts licking himself.
God, like your cat, is also mostly interested in who is feeding him. If God is rewarding a Toyota executive with a pool full of bikini hotties while punishing you with chemotherapy, think feline. Have you fed God a fish lately? You could win God’s favour by emptying your bank account into a collection plate, but remember that like cats, God is fickle. He may scratch your face in bed the morning and ignore your snoring partner because he knows you are the one who provides the Tender Vittles.
Cat worship died out in ancient Egypt, I think, because it was too scary. Bad, bad things happen in the world and it’s much more comforting to believe there is a guiding force like God giving it order and justice. But there isn’t any justice when it comes to earthquakes, birth defects or gas chambers. Still, most people would rather blind themselves to reality and explain “God’s” actions as being “mysterious.”
Shitty things happen in the universe for no good reason. Cat worship is actually more logical than current religions when you think about it.
Slightly More Upright 