Martyrs can’t be wrong

Am I really an atheist? We get such a bad rap this time of year. The hyper-religious claim I can’t possibly be one. Look, they exclaim, you’re eating a Cadbury cream egg!

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Canadian writer Michael Coren has just taken aim at atheists in a piece where he denounces some notable non-believers for questioning the existence of Christ. At first he attempts to rationally debate the authenticity of historical texts written a considerable time after Christ’s death. But then Coren asserts that since so many early Christians were willing to die for their beliefs, their martyrdom must be considered evidence of Christ’s authenticity and that he was indeed the messiah.

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Let’s be clear. Fervent belief in Jesus and the resurrection doesn’t make it any more true than your neighbour’s adamant belief he was abducted by a UFO and anally probed by extra-terrestrials. Does the world really need more young men strapping bombs to their bodies in return for scores of virgins in the afterlife? Thank-you, Mr. Coren, for offering evidence that those girls in heaven exist. (Just to be on the safe side, I think we ought to ban anyone with Coren’s essay on their computers from boarding aircraft.)

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Coren isn’t the only one who equates numbers with truth but he ought to know better. As an atheist, I’m hardly afraid of polls. I don’t wish to slam democracy here, but if the majority was always right, then chocolate eggs would be good for us and Nickelback would be cool.

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I admit I occasionally doubt my atheism. Sometimes I pick up pennies for good luck. And I often catch myself believing that bicycles have souls. Musicians feel the same about guitars. Everybody talks to their cars, especially old, and sputtering about-to-die cars. We coax them up hills with an encouraging, “You can do it, sweetheart!” I do, at least.

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Religious folks say this shows I’m part of the majority which believes in a higher power. Not really. When I really examine the issue, I realize that I’m only projecting human qualities onto inanimate objects. Bicycles and guitars only have souls as far as our hearts are concerned. My mind is rational enough to know better.

And not that it matters to whether it’s true or not, Mr. Coren, but I’m not the only one who thinks this way.

Fanboys in the hood

The next time you hear someone question the separation of church and state, tell them to trust in the Force and, Yoda willing, everything will be all right.

Seems to be working for Briton Chris Jarvis, who has received a letter of apology after being told by staff in a job centre in Southend that he had to remove his hood. Jarvis, you see, is one of 30,000 Britons who list their religion as Jedi.

Sure, if you want people to immediately ascertain your geek-fanboy status, it’s a lot less clever than switching a few letters on the back of your Volkswagen Jetta. But for those not blessed with German automotive technology, it’s a cheap alternative.

It’s already been pointed out by at least one blogger than Jarvis’s argument — he’s planning to sue over the hood incident — isn’t particularly valid, given that only the bad guys wear hoods consistently in the Star Wars movies.

I suspect there’s an easy answer to this.

Future leader of the British Labour Party, Mr. Yoda McYoda.

If he can get credit for believing in a fictional religion, from a series of fictional works staged on a series of fictional planets, the courts should be allowed to schedule the hearing on the desert planet of Tatooine. If Mr. Jarvis can make it, great. If not, they summarily dispose of the case.

He will have the right to be represented by an Ewok. If he waives that right, any lightsabre within reach may be used against him.

Of course, if we hold modern religions based on modern works of fiction to such a high standard, there’s no reason we shouldn’t hold ancient religions based on ancient works of fiction to the same standard — say, some objective proof of the existence of Christ. (Proof, not the New Testament, the first book of which was written at least six decades after Christ’s alleged birth and death.)

Any proof will do. Grave marker, piece of cloth with his DNA on it, standing diary or document actually written while he was alive, which, despite the discovery of numerous other documents from that era of human civilization, has yet to make an appearance. Anything.

No?

Well, then let the farce be with you.